poetry

Looming Lunacy

I hate this feeling so much

No one should have to feel this

Constantly tension and pressure building

Feeling of permanence at all times

It’s anxiety , depression, and ocd

Sometimes it’s one or two of them

Othertimes it’s all 3 and more

There’s this feeling of destruction

This looming weight of insanity

Thoughts of self harm and self loathing

For reasons unanimously unknown

I don’t know what it is

What I do or don’t do

I’m trying my best at all times

Keeping busy; working and school

Very much in love and have companions

still it’s not fine

Something is wrong

It’s insides me

All this pain and darkness

Most of it just comes from a force

A presence inside me

Spreading in my blood

I’m so tired and i just want to rest

To rest in a way I cannot achieve in

A nights rest ,

Noon nap,

Or even an hour of meditation

I just want it gone

This feeling

Fighting it for years and most likely forever

Still I will ,

Sadly and annoyingly,

Surviving because what else

Why give in to what it wants?

Why hurt those around me ?

Maybe it’s even more self destructive for me to live with this all

But at least I can fight it and spread love

Educate, share, and help

I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do

This looming lunacy

Exasperating internal war

A war I will not draw up my white flag in

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poetry

Sly Shapeshifter of Sorrow

At times the anxiety isn’t solely physical

Of course not , it’s mental

There has been stages of it

It warps and changes like a shapeshifter

One moment it’s nervousness

Another minute it’s agitation and insomnia

Sometimes it just picks and pokes at me

So much to the point where I just want to be free

To end this pain

To end this constant worrying

But that’s the things it’s not just worrying

It’s everything , it’s controlling

Eating at me , and messing up my functionality

It’s been years and I know there’s no deadline

I know there’s not a certain day or year it will end fully

It’s all so ingrained in me

People don’t get that

Any trauma is trauma even on a small scale

There’s things I dream about and feel I remember but I don’t

And I don’t know what it is I don’t remember

then you added the social and any other factor of life

And family and any relationship that impact you

In good and bad ways

There’s things I just don’t remember and there’s things I want to just not know and remember

I fight those thoughts and my compulsions

My impulses, my urge to destroy myself

For reasons I don’t even know

Because my brain feels like it and I just remember the sensations

Maybe not even physically but mentally going over bad ideas and over and over

And sometimes it’s not all that

Sometimes it’s just physical and I feel it creeping up

Breathing down my shoulders

Scratching my skin and causing a twitch

Random reactions my body has

The tremor and the random twitches

I deal with and will continue too

The numbness and the hurt I feel

I deal with but I will fight like hell

They will not fucking win

I am a struggling warrior

I am a flawed solider

Am not a product of my surroundings but of what I make myself to be

I am not just the pain , I am not just the nerd who escapes to her room whether it’s physically or mentally

I am not and I am everything I make myself

Furiously fighting for fuck sake

Cause I’ll be damned if I let my demons win

I will win in the war in my head

There’s so many sides and obstacles

Sometimes I’m me and sometimes I’m me in another mode

Mr. Sly Shapeshifter of sorrow please sincerely leave me alone or at least get out of my way more often .

Either way you’ve seen nothing yet .

-photo is not mine but an example found online-

poetry

In

Throughout these months

A thick brush to walk about

Problems existing and existing creating problems.

Distance is constant

Emotional passion inside.

These urges, dreams, and desires

One or both of us always struggling

Feeding off eachothers words and actions

Shining a light on the dim deep parts of us

Not typical

From day 1 always different

Everything fast but taking some things slow

Everything inside me wants you

Every dream involves you

Goals and knowledge inclusive

Transvisionary total thoughts

A night crawler after an early bird

Change is the only thing constant

Holding true to what we will

And attesting our will always

No saints necessary

No corporate created cultivations

Us and our style

Doing what we can and fighting for what we must

Inside me theres you

Words pumping my heart

And your touch tracing my scars

Deeper and darker you fall

I am giving you my all

Catch me and Ill catch you

Caught I was

Cozy i exist

In eachother

In this moment

Inbetween.

poetry

Ration the Irrational

Those words they hurt

A future sought

At a sudden move you push me away

Words are your weapons

Carving and making your feelings permanent

All of those who hurt you

Get power when you hurt others

They will be the victor if you give in

Hatred is a deadly disease

A doctor’s note won’t suffice

White pills and powder wont take away the pain

All those who hurt you

People i do not envy

I cant imagine..

Myself hurting you

That is and would be a catastrophe

When you ache i ache

When you cry, I sob

I wipe my tears and carry the weight

Id do anything

Bandaging your wounds and healing yoir bruises

My words are holy water

My eyes are the milky way

Finding your way back

Searching and visiting north

Traveling and staying south

Fear is all we know

Worry wounds we

Id do anything

Give my heart to you

My rib cage sharply stabs me

Reminding me i am only human

You are only a soulful being

Skin like paper

Easily fragile

Readily strong

We choose

We make a choice

To fight

To move forward

Brain and nerves are the copass

Despite irrationality being powerful

You manage to do what you can

Thats all we can do

It is a choice

These thoughts and worries are not you

They are miniscule compared to memories

I will stay

I will fight

I hope and pray you may

Always be there

As i do

You contain the ability

The courage to trek forward

Powdered white blank spots

Inadvertent destruction

Fight we may

Courage will not fade

Cutting deeper

Following the plot

I love you and search for you always

To not have you is to suffer

Suffer ive done

And hope to never do again

I will look for you..

I will fight for you

As long as you do too

poetry

To Take Flight

Tired, they fight

Exhausted with might

A relief, to reprieve

In order to progress

To make flight with a wounded wing

Piercing thorns sink into the skin

Knicking every vein and abrasive scab

With everything they have, they lunge

hoping and praying for the hopeful

The depressed and disregarded

Not in their thoughts

Not in the right mind set?

What will clarify right?

Who will seal the holes?

The knicks sinking into memories

If there is wrong then there surely is right

Shades of grey posted on a black and white bulletin board

The loved and appraised

Holding their heads up high

Pointing out their flaws and others

We are all damaged

We all have wounds

But it matters who and what is doing the damage

Spreading wicked decaying thoughts

Personifying door knobs

Opening for the tense

Shutting out the fragile

In order to survive

To make flight

To educate and grow

We must bandage the holes

Move around the knicks

And pour cleansing energy and thoughts around.

If there is good then surely there is bad

If bad exists then surely theres something worse

Something better by that logic

Personifying doors my mental illness

Closing off those not ready

Those not prepared

For what may come next

Tired, they say

And they mean it they do

But after all what more can tired do?

Surely theres more

Softly i lay on the floor

Aching and twisting my back

And switching out the feeling

If there is bad then there is good

Who will i be today?

poetry

I need help, a poem

Music entrenched in my veins

Blood whispers in my arterities

Constant pain

Wanting death

A relief

An escape

Everyday i awake

Everyday i pray for death

Knowing easily i could lose it all

Every ounce of progress made

With one move I could ruin it all

Venomous nightmares

Shaking at 3 in the morning

Crying while driving

Missing the one I love most

Everyone leaves

What if he does to?

Put in a hard role

So much worry and pain for both of us

Deapite knowing i dont have it that bad

Not as bad as him or others

Annoyed Selfishness inside of me

Its 4:30 and im scared to lose it all

I want to be somebody

I want to do good

I want to do bad

I want to do it to myself

This is so hard

Depression eating my brain

Anxiety spinning my stomach

Ocd slowing me down

Awkwardness and rigidy is all I know

I just want to.be okay

I want him to be okay

I want his family and mine to be okay

I want to fix it all

I want to stop failing

No motivation with no desires

So many goals but not without

A aching heart

Its a new day they say

Its a new start

You said that yesterday

Is tomorrow a new ?

Wait .

Yesterday still has a hold of me

Get off me

Negative energy pinching me

I don’t deserve this…

But i do

He doesn’t deserve this

I want us together

I also want him to be happy

What if he will be happier apart from me?

So much angst and confusion

Dreams of a pool of blood

Wanting a relief

I need a saviour

But that “hero” is me

How do you save someone who doesn’t fully want to be saved?

I have lost my hope

The one thing I kept for so long

Aching ribs

Fetal position and rocking

Neurotic behavior

I know I need help

I know but that may put me further behind

Late to achieve

Missing school

Losing a job

Losing achievements

I could lose it all

In a few swift motions

I could end it all

It doesn’t fully end

Not for me nor you

Not for everyone else

Pain transfers

Tears leave residue

Gravity will still shift

I lost it all

But i could lose so much more

I want to do good

I want to do bad

I want for.him to do good

I want nothing but his best

I want to make his pain stop

I want to make my pain stop

Crying and reaching out

Music in my ears

Yet i don’t feel

Numb to most

I want to gain it all

I wamt to lose it all

Have I ?

Lost it all

Lost

So lost

So..

Fucked.

poetry

Haven

Us, our haven

In away

From it all

We flee in search of a journey

To fight to struggle alone

Alone but not so alone

This November night

Those october bites

From the beginning we were never normal

Obselete normalcy

Inhabitated pressure

Wood Chipped surroundings pressing into the skin of our nature

Hoping for it all

Wishing for nothing else

Those unheard whispers trace their way into our lips

Entangling our arms,

Hips as weapons

We fit like a mold

Daily life

Oh, this raven

Darker than the day

We see the beauty

Darker, it may

Red cherries

Red tides

Sandy core

To wish for evermore

Just hoping,

Just praying

It won’t all cave in

In away

We shall lay..

poetry

Totality Torn 

Darkness comes in

The bass thickens as the blood drips

My heart aches as the skin rips

With this state

With this struggle

I pack my essentials

My hand in his

We go in this together

Camoflauged wounds

The face grease

Stinging pleasure

To do what we can

Burried beneath

Concrete thoughts

He grabs the knife

I grab the luck

Essential pain

Essential hunt

The light flashes

Too quick to grab

Ignorance may be bliss

But knowledge hits

Paint thinner words

To heal , we must

Crescendo hope

Stone smiles

With this connection

We must fall to fight

Tears turn

Symbiotic Substance

Burn the ruins

Lets walk, a new

Compass creatures

Cafard coos

Ingress and interest

To find meaning in the meaningless

“You’re more than just war”

You’re more than the lore

Tables shall turn

Totality does not exist

But we do..

“You’re more than just war ,” said by Jack Daniel Kern, a muse and dear friend .

poetry

Edge

Walk with me to the edge

Never to fall for the other again

Looking forward

Putting pieces together

Spend our last days with each other

Those lips

Your generosity

The way you open doors for me and make sweet love to me

Cracked but clear, the picture

Rough and painful the victor

Marks of passion

With a passion for music

This piece

Casual cuddles

Gentle rubs

Rough hilarity

To the edge

We will crawl

With a sweet jagged symphony

Simple strummed chords

And ticklish touch

The edge will be the loss of us

And only that should be the wreck of us

poetry

Squandering

Squandering feet

Tiptoeing tides

One day, will i be brave?

Sunken beneath the shore

Mama , one day

To be proud

To be bold

Soulful glee

‘Til i wait

For always, i fight

One day Mama

I will be the knight

Tiptoed the tides

Squandering footsprints

Was I brave?

Mama

Did i do it right?